is your teen
"disengaged"?

March 2025

The Disengaged Teen, by Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop, is now generating buzz among educators and parents.  While the authors cite the Pandemic as one source of disengagement, they document how teens have always been tempted to disengage from school. 

A disengaged teen can show up in three identities . . .

The Passenger – These teens are passive about their education, doing the bare minimum to get by. They often lack a sense of purpose in school and never take the initiative.

The Achiever – Achievers are highly motivated students who focus on meeting expectations and excelling academically. However, their engagement is superficial, often driven by grades, awards, or adult approval, rather than a deep love of learning.  Indeed, these kids can be fragile, withdrawing from classes or competitions that don’t promise certain rewards.

The Resister – Resisters actively push back against school, seeing it as an oppressive place where they lack control. Their disengagement is often fueled by frustration, negative school experiences, or a belief that their classes are irrelevant to their personal goals or values.  Yet, resistance is a sign of their sense of agency -- but channeled negatively.

The Explorer

The ideal learner identity, distinct from those three, is. . .

The Explorer – Explorers are intrinsically motivated learners who engage with education out of curiosity and a desire to understand the world. They seek out knowledge beyond traditional school requirements, often pursuing independent learning or creative problem-solving. 

Even if they don’t seem to explore at school, you may see seeds of the Explorer at home.  They may be tinkering with their robots or bikes in the basement until they are perfected; researching the latest in prom celebrations and organizing the prom’s committees; setting up an online shop to sell their digital music creations, and networking with other creators; working out a training schedule for the coming sports season, and following through with no encouragement from you.  

How do we help our students transfer these skills and confidence to school?  This book is chock-full of tested insights on cultivating the Explorer identity.  I encourage you to buy The Disengaged Teen and start implementing its suggestions.   

Especially, pay attention to the language we use with our students. Thoughtfully choose words that show respect for our students, and recognize and name their agency.  Are they Doers, Thinkers, Creators, Persuaders, Organizers, etc.?

The big take-away?  Focus more on your student’s process, and less on their grades or “getting it done.”

Say This, Not That!

On the topic of language, I’ve long relied on the book Choice Words by Peter H. Johnston.  Dr. Johnston suggests that we reframe those common questions and comments we make to our students every day.  

Start with Self-Talk

Finally, parents should reflect on the way they talk to themselves, when they speak out loud in front of their kids. 

• Do we focus on our outcomes and disparage our “losses” – “Boy, I really blew that”?

• Do we always act like we know what we’re doing and not let our kids witness how we organize and work through a problem?

• Do we sum up the ideas of other adults with simplistic, judgmental dismissals, like, “That guy is right,” or “That talk was good,” or “That was stupid,” or “That man is a jerk”?

We may not be able to change our schools or our teachers’ behavior.  But we can change  ourselves.  Let’s change the way we speak to our teens, treating them as people of dignity, curiosity, and agency.

 And let’s begin with how we speak to ourselves.